Driving Tips The Ed Rooney   When highway driving at excessive speeds, one must always be looking out for the dreaded Staties.   Your foes are usually hiding out at a U-turn spot in the median or at an overpass waiting to catch you and take your hard earned money.    A common tactic used to avoid getting pulled over on the highway is referred to as “The Ed Rooney.”   Popularized by Jeffrey Jones, the pedophile actor who played the High School Principal in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, the Ed Rooney is patterned after the Principal’s routine of sprinting down school hallways then abruptly screeching to a halt when passing by a classroom in session so as not to encourage reckless behaviour in the corridors.   On the highway, a Masshole driver can speed excessively then brake at U-turns and overpasses where there is the potential of a speed trap.  Then after passing the danger area without incident the Masshole resumes the excessive speed.   Studies at the Masshole Institute of Faster Driving show the Ed Rooney can shave 6 tickets off the life of a Masshole driver and increase destination arrivals by up to 8 minutes of drive time per hour!     The Moving Pick Even Ringo is effective when collaborating on the pick Pedestrians are a conundrum to Masshole drivers.  By law they are considered more precious than the smaller animals that we can run over without consequences.  So we actually have to stop for them when they are in crosswalks, where they are many times adding minutes to a stoplight cycle and wasting drivers’ time.  But there are ways where Masshole driver and pedestrian can coexist in a symbiotic relationship.  One of these is the moving pick.   The moving pick allows a Masshole driver to gain an advantage off the line at an intersection while the pedestrian is still crossing the street.  As said pedestrian walks in front of your car then the one next to you, the Masshole driver can go pedal to the medal while the car in the next lane is stuck yielding.  The Push Masshole Driver Coming in Hot The Push: Are you tired of the blue hair in front of you clogging the fast lane up? Is that cautious driver in the Aries K only going the speed limit? Let them know that's unacceptable with "The Push." The Push is a simple manuever that kindly tells the snail in front of you: "Hey, get the fuck out of the way." To utilize The Push, drive up behind the offending vehicle and apply pressure. Your distance should be such that you can hear what radio station they are listening to. The Push can be accompanied by flashing headlights during night driving to increase effectiveness. The Push should pressure the offending driver to either speed up or move over to the right lane where they belong. If said result is not accomplished, the right lane pass is an acceptable alternative. The Three Lane Sweep Masshole Driver's Ed says: "Jerk the wheel harder!" The three-lane sweep is one of the classic Masshole maneuvers.  Dating back to the horse and carriage days of the mid 1800s, the three lane sweep allows Massholes to bypass slower vehicles by  quickly darting right, passing the slow drivers, and sweeping back to the left in one fluid motion.   To effectively achieve the sweep: 1)       Simply jerk the wheel to your right, thrusting your vehicle sideways across the lane.  To avoid a  potential “care in passing” citation, always use your blinker.  2)       Once in the right lane, accelerate and pass offending vehicles that are slowing you down.  3)       It is now safe to sweep back across the highway in front of the slower inconsiderate motorists.  4)       Way to go!  You did it! The Blocker The blocker risks it all...... The Blocker is an excellent way to speed up your highway driving while minimizing the chances of the Staties catching you.  Also known in some circles as “The Sacrificial Lamb,” The Blocker allows you to follow at a safe distance another Masshole driver who is speeding.  While The Blocker incurs most of the risk of being caught by a speed trap, you are free to move quickly and not have to worry about getting pulled over.  An advanced Masshole driver would look for brake lights on the blocker and other cars in front of them, as this is many times an indicator of a Statie lurking. When they get pulled over, you breeze by!